I actually started writing this blog about Fear almost two months ago, after my first knee surgery. This was before I was told I needed another one.  During all those weeks alone, I experienced a myriad of emotions:  sadness, depression, anger, and hopelessness. Fear, I found, was the main ingredient for all of those feelings and I wanted to share my thoughts…

It wasn’t the Fear I feel when someone talks about Socialism or the Fear of walking into a spider web with my face.  It was more about the Fear I faced pre-surgery, post-surgery and recovery.  The Fear of how much pain would be involved or what the future would look like with my new ACL.  The ACL which I have named Doug.

Fears:

The doctor would sneeze while drilling into my knee.

I’d be addicted to the pain meds, which I really needed or I’d never go to the bathroom after taking the pain meds I needed.

An “irrational” Fear of answering, out loud, the voices in my head – because they are very chatty and I was alone a lot of the time. 

Also “rational’ Fears of water and/or rugs on the floor and ramps or stairs, because I’m not that great on crutches.  The thought of falling made me want to throw up in my mouth, just a little. 

One of my favorite Fears was that the Hallmark movies I constantly watched would be the gateway drug to Reality TV….

The fear of being alone in the condo, during the day, because October in California is fire season.  If they called for an evacuation, how would I capture the cat and head down the stairs with crutches to a car I couldn’t drive?

A looming Fear I had for months — would I be able to work this Christmas season?

Although I was doing pretty well on the Fear blog, I just couldn’t finish it. 

It could have been that I was distracted with a second surgery six weeks after the first.  Or it could have been the accompanying drugs for the pain.  It may have been that my mind had turned to mush after sitting in the condo for 9 weeks at that point.    

But I think I couldn’t finish it because I was overwhelmed with self-pity, accompanied by tears or anger at the drop of a hat.  I even tried reading my previous blog on God’s Tapping and gratitude, but nope, my psyche wasn’t having any of it.

My little sister came for a few days after the first surgery and returned for the second surgery and replaced Jeff as my slave for two weeks.  My sister-in-law also flew in to keep me from gnawing at the walls pre-diagnosis of the 2^nd surgery.  But even with the much appreciated visits, I’d slip back into a funk of “poor me” and the question of “When is this going to be over?” became an annoying mantra.

The second surgery required me to go to PT the same day of surgery and every day that week.  While I was semi-walking on crutches by the end of that week, I couldn’t lose the creeping crankiness in my head.

I had missed the entire Fall season.

My sister dropped me off at PT and a young girl in the lobby asked if I need help sitting.   I told her sitting down was my specialty; getting up, not so much.  She started talking about how grateful she was and I could actually see a little light appear in my funk.  I told her “Exactly! We woke up today and I’m pretty grateful about that.”  She said that she had her share of bad days, but today was a great one.  She told me she had gone to church the day before and was reminded how incredible life was.  It was just about then her sunshine melted away the fog of self-pity that I had been walking around in for weeks.

I thought she was waiting in the lobby to drive a patient home, but in our conversation I discovered she was actually there for PT!  She pulled up her pant leg and said that she was so grateful that she had been given “this.”  The “this” happened to be a lower left leg prosthetic.  The therapist came to get her and as she turned to smile “good-bye” it took everything I had not to tear up as my heart filled with love.  It was an amazing gift from a complete stranger who just radiated gratitude. There wasn’t an ounce of Fear in her or I when she left that room.

I try to remember her daily to help me reset and reevaluate. 

On bad days when Fear creeps in, I need to remember all the good I have in my life like:  a husband who has done it all, the cards and gifts I’ve received and the calls checking in on me.  Also the women who have helped open doors when I’ve visited the ladies room, and the gentleman who warned me of water on the ground so I wouldn’t fall.  Plus all the drivers, with their smiles of understanding at the inconvenience I’m causing them because of my incredibly slow gait while crossing the street.  Just a few weeks ago I was scheduled to install Christmas décor in a business in Phoenix.  This was right after my second surgery and my friends and family pulled together in a blink to complete the job for me, as I lay here in bed. 

Looking back at the past three months, I can see God sent me family to help, friends and even strangers to support me and a little angel with a magical left leg to bring it all into perspective – that Fear is only a word and doesn’t need to be a lifestyle.

Thank you sweet angel in the lobby of PT for sharing your glow of gratitude and love with me, to remind me this knee thing is nothing…

Grateful for you and my ice machine,

Sheree

Once again, God’s tapping reminded me to be grateful!

Actually a small child who stepped in front of my bicycle did the tapping.  Well no, in all reality, the sidewalk did the tapping as my knee came in contact with it.

I was sitting on my bike, tip-toeing down the sidewalk just about to cross the street after finishing a bike ride at the beach.  I was behind a mom and two small children – ten seconds away from the car – taking “walking” for granted,

When I felt God’s Tapping…

As I attempted to pass the family, a little one turned into my path.  To avoid hitting her I introduced my front wheel to a fence and down I went. Nothing was hurting, then I attempted to stand. It was as if the lower leg and and upper leg weren’t connected. At this point, I looked down expecting to see blood and exposed bones. But no, there was just my leg without even a scratch. Confused, I immediately sat down and looked for my husband to help and take the bike. Attempting to get upright, I thought, “shake it off lady, you probably just hit a nerve in your knee.”

Well I was wrong…

In the car I could bend the leg towards me, move my ankle and had no pain, but exiting the car was another matter.  Stepping on it with full body weight was impossible. We returned to the car and headed to Urgent Care.  Long story short, there were x-rays, a brace and lucky for me I still had crutches from the previous “Frisbee” incident.  In short, an orthopedic doc and MRI was on Monday which led to a meeting on Wednesday. The doc explained it was a complete tear of the ACL.  He said if you’re not in extreme sports you don’t really need an ACL… really?  He suggested just PT, because clearly walking isn’t an extreme sport for me, at least not yet!

Friends suggested that I rethink the PT-only path. We’re planning on retiring in the mountains (hiking) and my line of work involves (climbing up and down ladders).  One day I’d also like to experience lifting a grandchild without my knee buckling under its weight. (A subliminal hint to my children.)  A second opinion confirmed that surgery would be best.

Sunday will be four weeks since the bike incident and finally, surgery is on Monday.  Believe me, sitting quietly for four weeks is not easy for a person with OCD (organize constantly disorder). I’m actually pretty proud that I haven’t killed anyone yet.   But then again, the only person in the condo is my husband, who does everything,

so I best not kill him…

While I sat doing nothing for weeks on end, I have noticed how much muscle tone I’ve lost in my leg, even with doing PT to strengthen it before surgery.  Staring at the dwindling leg, I once again try to fathom what God’s tapping was trying to tell me.   

It took nearly four weeks, but I think I finally got it!  The saying “if you don’t use it, you lose it” applies to more than a leg waiting for surgery.  If we don’t practice being kind or humble or grateful we forget how to perform those actions.  We have to keep “exercising” those action muscles to make them become a habit. 

It shouldn’t take a tap from God in the form of a physical injury to remind us to keep exercising those muscles. But then again, maybe God’s taps are meant to show us He’s never quite done with us.   

Crap, I must be a very slow learner because I’ve been tapped quite a bit the last few years!!

Sitting here contemplating, I make the promise to not take walking down stairs for granted.  Promises are made to reach out, be kinder, more humble and less selfish. Plus recognize that this ACL is such a small struggle compared to a bazillion other people. 

Personal note to God: Next time I’d like my tap to be just a text, it’d be a lot less painful. 

Grateful for you, God’s tap and more inactive time to reflect… again!

Xoxo

Sheree

I’ve been thinking the last few months how we judge people without knowing all the facts. How we judge people by what others say or on a God-level scale rather than a human-level scale.

We judge the rich for being too rich and the poor for being too poor.  There’s judgement of the homeless and even our neighbors.  We judge people by body weight either thin or fat and judge people by their word choices.  We judge people on their religion, where they live and who they voted for. And way too often we jump to judgement because the news media tells us to.

For me I judged this man on one word – Watergate

I have to confess for about 45 years I’ve judged President Nixon from the media circus that surrounded him.  Granted, for his terms as President, I was in high school and only lived within that bubble.  He was in politics before I was born (1955) and I had no idea.  Visiting his Library last week, after living here for 6 years, made me step back and review the judging I had done.

I’ve taken a little poll on first impressions when hearing the words “President Nixon” from a few people I know, ages 28-70.

• His nose or caricature of face
• Egotistical meatball
• Failed war on drugs
• “Let me make myself perfectly clear”
• 37^th President
• Watergate
• Tricky Dicky

Is that all President Nixon should be known for?  He was a House Representative and Senator in California, Vice President, and eight years later President.  In the 1972 election he carried 49 states with 520 electoral votes – during – the Vietnam War.  Only Reagan has carried 49 states and Monroe 50 in 1820.  Think that could ever happen in this day and age?

Sadly the last office Nixon held, finally swallowed up his honesty, as it has to so many. The “beast” we call politics replaced his original beliefs and basic common sense with malevolence.

At the worst time of his life, he ordered wiretaps and targeted people who didn’t agree with him by finding damaging information on them.  He ordered the CIA to convince the FBI to stay out of it.  Fifty years later, it sadly appears that politics haven’t changed at all.   

After his fall from grace, President Nixon still ended up advising the five U.S. Presidents that followed him, upon their request. 

It’s a shame I never cared enough to look through my judgement to find out what good things he actually did for this country. In the years before he resigned, Nixon implemented the following domestic and foreign policies (not all are listed). 

Domestic Policy

• 1970 founded the EPA
• 1970 oversaw the peaceful desegregation of southern schools
• 1971 Dedicated $100 million to begin war on Cancer
• 1972 Signed Title IX – opening the doors for women in collegiate sports
• 1973 ended the draft
• 1970-1973 the first President to give Native Americans the right to tribal self-determination by ending the policy of forced assimilation and returning their sacred lands plus other federal Indian policies

Foreign Policy

• 1970 avoided a second Cuban Missile Crisis by adhering to his policy of hard-headed détente, an active rather than passive form of diplomacy
• 1972 participated in the SALT Strategic Arms Limitation Talks with Soviet Secretary General Breshnev to temper the Cold War through diplomatic détente
• 1972 signed the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty helping to calm U.S.-Soviet tensions by curtailing the threat of nuclear weapons
• 1972 First President to visit China, issuing the Shanghai Communique announcing a desire for open, normalized relations
• 1973 established a new relationship with the Middle East eliminating Soviet dominance in the region
• In reaction to the 1973 oil embargo, initiated Project Independence which set a timetable to end reliance on foreign oil by 1980
• 1973 Yom Kippur War, supported Israel with massive aid which Prime Minister Golda Meir later said saved her country
• 1973 signed the Paris Peace Accords ending U.S. involvement in Vietnam

Here are the remarks given by President Clinton at Richard Nixon’s funeral, April 27, 1994.

 “He made mistakes; and, they, like his accomplishments, are part of his life and record…  Today is a day for his family, his friends and his nation to remember President Nixon’s life in totality. To them, let us say, may the day of judging President Nixon on anything less than his entire life and career come to a close. May we heed his call to maintain the will and the wisdom to build on America’s greatest gift — its freedom; to lead a world full of difficulty to the just and lasting peace he dreamed of.”

In our “get it now immediate gratification society” can we step back and look at both the positive and negative that come with a person or a situation without judging?  Can we filter out what is being spoon fed to us on social media and delay our jump-on-the-band-wagon mentality of judgement?  Can we wait for all the facts to actually be produced?  It costs us nothing but – time and maybe gives us a little dignity back.

Grateful for you,

Sheree

Yesterday I prayed to God to find the leak in a client’s upstairs patio.  I didn’t make any deals with Him like I had when they found my tumor, I just said…

“God, could You please help me out with this leak, I’d really appreciate it…”

I know that from a prayer priority standpoint my request was definitely at the bottom. But hey, I had to put it out there!

I got the call – the flood test on the patio once again produced the ever elusive drip.  Tearing up I went right for “my very own” juggler!  I am the WORSE designer in, not just the world, but the whole universe. 

Why can’t I FIND THIS STUPID NEVER-ENDING LEAK?!?

I seriously feel like a Dickens character standing next to my client’s wallet saying, “Please, [ma’am] I want some more [$$].”  She’s recently had two strokes which I believe I’ve given her, as I am unable to FIND THE ANNOYING LEAK!

Before you say it, I do take this all personally because the individuals I’ve hired have failed over and over.  Even though they were referrals, had great reviews and really seemed to care until they could not find the leak, they merely suggested a lot of band-aids for the problem but no solution. Then there are the questions that haunt me like – Did the client need the new roof for the patio leak, because I believed the contractor when he said it.  Did she need the two new drains installed in the patio to prevent the leak, because I believed the plumber when he said it.  Why didn’t the sealed and re-tiled patio prevent the leak?  Did she need a new patio door – well that one I actually did see it leak, but yet the damn trickle continues.

In five years I’ve had four to five contractors, a roofer, a plumber, a stucco guy, a tile guy and a structural engineer. They all looked for this fricking leak but yet the clear and mighty liquid prevailed.

After making calls and feeling sorry for myself I devoured Oreos and potato chips to deaden the pain. I researched and re-read the engineers notes. I thought, how could such a small request to God go unanswered? Because you know in the scheme of things this was such a “big deal”…

Intellectually I knew, of course, it wasn’t a life or death situation or a threat to national security; but emotionally I felt I had failed her yet again.

Today I decided to walk a couple miles to clear my head. I was trying not to think about the upcoming meeting I will be having with her next week.  I walked in my favorite park with squirrels and newborn geese. Although it was peaceful, the problem hung over me like the California marine layer in May.

When I left the park I walked by a sidewalk that was NOT written on when I entered. 

I walked to my car with a tear in my eye and said “Thank You, got it.” Prayer answered… It may not have solved the leak issue but did solve mine!

Grateful for you,

Sheree