Every attempt to write this blog, for the last nine (9) months, was overshadowed by fear, anger, disbelief and sadness. Who needed to hear my take on that crap?
I couldn’t wrap my head around the appearance of being conditioned to live in fear, by hearing death counts and case numbers daily. The destruction of public property and watching the daily murder of innocents couldn’t be our norm, could it? And if we were staying home and working from home, ordering in food, supplies, exercise equipment and entertainment, we would for the most part, make things better, correct?
Were we being taught to isolate, be quiet and numb?
As a dark cloud hung over everyone, I doubted I’d be working at all this Christmas. I suggested we just do the client’s trees to lessen the time in their homes. But upon arrival, instead of less, all they wanted was “More Christmas” brought into their homes — to repeat, MORE! More Joy, more brightness, more happiness!
One of those clients was Syd, she always wanted MORE Christmas. Sadly, yesterday her daughter told me she died suddenly. She had become a very good friend after 15 years and my nine months of numbed-out tears couldn’t be stopped. By the end of the day with the help of a few cocktails, I found comfort knowing she was able to see every room of her home decorated, just how she liked it! I thought how this was the perfect season for her to leave this world. Syd LOVED Christmas and
she was able to take that Joy with her…
I believe we should all take the Joy of this season and replace our fear and sadness with it. Replace the darkness with the light we see everywhere.
My hope for you this Christmas is that you find “your” peace and comfort and Joy. This is one quote where I find my comfort…
“She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins.” – Matthew 1:21
Am I the only one who’s been thinking that God is just pissed? What do I mean by that? Well it’s not quite like the big flood where all the animals and a handful of humans floated off in a large boat, type of pissed.
It’s more like I imagine God saying…
First off, I’m tired you’re not thinking or praying or
talking about me anymore.
I’m tired you think it’s always about you.
I’m tired of your lying. Why ya gotta lie?
I’m tired you’ve eliminated me from a world “I” created.
I’m tired that free-will is being taken from my children all over the world.
I’m tired that you think there are no consequences for the decisions you make, with that free-will.
I’m tired of watching how things have been going and the
“hands-off” parenting. You’ve taught these young adults disrespect and
anger. The fruits of your labor are now
showing up as they ignore the safety of their elders and those around them.
Just an FYI, I WILL be protecting the babies, they are innocent.
To make you speak to your neighbors, I took your ability away.
To make you respect the enormous responsibility of teachers, I gave you your children back.
To make you slow down I took your job, your car and your importance away.
To make you appreciate the food you eat, I’ve emptied your shelves.
To humble you, I’ve removed your plans and made you live in the moment.
To remove the ever-growing drone of arguing, opinions, and untruths that are being told to you every day, I’ve quieted the streets and playgrounds and public areas. You should now be able to listen to the birds, the wind in the trees, and the sound of walking in the snow or sand. You should be able to hear ME more clearly now!
I’ve shown you the human spirit as you wait in long lines to get essentials by the laughter you share with strangers about being in this thing together.
I’d like you to please compliment the lady who wears the purple latex gloves while pushing her grocery cart. Maybe you could both laugh in the face of fear?
Please stop yelling at the cashiers, they don’t order the stupid toilet paper. Maybe show them a little love.
I want you to think about this. Since the “have to’s” and “need to’s” have been taken from you, what could possibly be your “should do’s?”
I’ve left you with brilliant minds, generous hearts and logical souls to help you get through this and you will. But I really need you to think about what you want your life and this world to look like after all of this, because I hate being pissed.
I Love you…
God
p.s. Maybe read a little something about Fear in some of your down time.
I actually started writing this blog about Fear almost two months ago, after my first knee surgery. This was before I was told I needed another one. During all those weeks alone, I experienced a myriad of emotions: sadness, depression, anger, and hopelessness. Fear, I found, was the main ingredient for all of those feelings and I wanted to share my thoughts…
It wasn’t the Fear I feel when someone talks about Socialism or the Fear of walking into a spider web with my face. It was more about the Fear I faced pre-surgery, post-surgery and recovery. The Fear of how much pain would be involved or what the future would look like with my new ACL. The ACL which I have named Doug.
Fears:
The doctor would sneeze while drilling into my knee.
I’d be addicted to the pain meds, which I really needed or I’d never go to the bathroom after taking the pain meds I needed.
An “irrational” Fear of answering, out loud, the voices in my head – because they are very chatty and I was alone a lot of the time.
Also “rational’ Fears of water and/or rugs on the floor and ramps or stairs, because I’m not that great on crutches. The thought of falling made me want to throw up in my mouth, just a little.
One of my favorite Fears was that the Hallmark movies I constantly
watched would be the gateway drug to Reality TV….
The fear of being alone in the condo, during the day, because October in California is fire season. If they called for an evacuation, how would I capture the cat and head down the stairs with crutches to a car I couldn’t drive?
A looming Fear I had for months — would I be able to work this Christmas season?
Although I was doing pretty well on the Fear blog, I just
couldn’t finish it.
It could have been that I was distracted with a second
surgery six weeks after the first. Or it
could have been the accompanying drugs for the pain. It may have been that my mind had turned to
mush after sitting in the condo for 9 weeks at that point.
But I think I couldn’t finish it because I was overwhelmed with self-pity, accompanied by tears or anger at the drop of a hat. I even tried reading my previous blog on God’s Tapping and gratitude, but nope, my psyche wasn’t having any of it.
My little sister came for a few days after the first surgery and returned for the second surgery and replaced Jeff as my slave for two weeks. My sister-in-law also flew in to keep me from gnawing at the walls pre-diagnosis of the 2nd surgery. But even with the much appreciated visits, I’d slip back into a funk of “poor me” and the question of “When is this going to be over?” became an annoying mantra.
The second surgery required me to go to PT the same day of surgery and every day that week. While I was semi-walking on crutches by the end of that week, I couldn’t lose the creeping crankiness in my head.
I had missed the entire Fall season.
My sister dropped me off at PT and a young girl in the lobby asked if I need help sitting. I told her sitting down was my specialty; getting up, not so much. She started talking about how grateful she was and I could actually see a little light appear in my funk. I told her “Exactly! We woke up today and I’m pretty grateful about that.” She said that she had her share of bad days, but today was a great one. She told me she had gone to church the day before and was reminded how incredible life was. It was just about then her sunshine melted away the fog of self-pity that I had been walking around in for weeks.
I thought she was waiting in the lobby to drive a patient home, but in our conversation I discovered she was actually there for PT! She pulled up her pant leg and said that she was so grateful that she had been given “this.” The “this” happened to be a lower left leg prosthetic. The therapist came to get her and as she turned to smile “good-bye” it took everything I had not to tear up as my heart filled with love. It was an amazing gift from a complete stranger who just radiated gratitude. There wasn’t an ounce of Fear in her or I when she left that room.
I try to remember her daily to help me reset and reevaluate.
On bad days when Fear creeps in, I need to remember all
the good I have in my life like: a
husband who has done it all, the cards and gifts I’ve received and the calls
checking in on me. Also the women who
have helped open doors when I’ve visited the ladies room, and the gentleman who
warned me of water on the ground so I wouldn’t fall. Plus all the drivers, with their smiles of
understanding at the inconvenience I’m causing them because of my incredibly
slow gait while crossing the street.
Just a few weeks ago I was scheduled to install Christmas décor in a
business in Phoenix. This was right
after my second surgery and my friends and family pulled together in a blink to
complete the job for me, as I lay here in bed.
Looking back at the past three months, I can see God sent me family to help, friends and even strangers to support me and a little angel with a magical left leg to bring it all into perspective – that Fear is only a word and doesn’t need to be a lifestyle.
Thank you sweet angel in the lobby of PT for sharing your glow of gratitude and love with me, to remind me this knee thing is nothing…
Once again, God’s tapping reminded me to be grateful!
Actually a small child who stepped in front of my bicycle did the tapping. Well no, in all reality, the sidewalk did the tapping as my knee came in contact with it.
I was sitting on my bike, tip-toeing down the sidewalk just about to cross the street after finishing a bike ride at the beach. I was behind a mom and two small children – ten seconds away from the car – taking “walking” for granted,
When I felt God’s Tapping…
As I attempted to pass the family, a little one turned into my path. To avoid hitting her I introduced my front wheel to a fence and down I went. Nothing was hurting, then I attempted to stand. It was as if the lower leg and and upper leg weren’t connected. At this point, I looked down expecting to see blood and exposed bones. But no, there was just my leg without even a scratch. Confused, I immediately sat down and looked for my husband to help and take the bike. Attempting to get upright, I thought, “shake it off lady, you probably just hit a nerve in your knee.”
Well I was wrong…
In the car I could bend the leg towards me, move my ankle and had no pain, but exiting the car was another matter. Stepping on it with full body weight was impossible. We returned to the car and headed to Urgent Care. Long story short, there were x-rays, a brace and lucky for me I still had crutches from the previous “Frisbee” incident. In short, an orthopedic doc and MRI was on Monday which led to a meeting on Wednesday. The doc explained it was a complete tear of the ACL. He said if you’re not in extreme sports you don’t really need an ACL… really? He suggested just PT, because clearly walking isn’t an extreme sport for me, at least not yet!
Me and My Buddies
Friends suggested that I rethink the PT-only path. We’re planning on retiring in the mountains (hiking) and my line of work involves (climbing up and down ladders). One day I’d also like to experience lifting a grandchild without my knee buckling under its weight. (A subliminal hint to my children.) A second opinion confirmed that surgery would be best.
Sunday will be four weeks since the bike incident and finally, surgery is on Monday. Believe me, sitting quietly for four weeks is not easy for a person with OCD (organize constantlydisorder). I’m actually pretty proud that I haven’t killed anyone yet. But then again, the only person in the condo is my husband, who does everything,
so I best not kill him…
While I sat doing nothing for weeks on end, I have noticed how much muscle tone I’ve lost in my leg, even with doing PT to strengthen it before surgery. Staring at the dwindling leg, I once again try to fathom what God’s tapping was trying to tell me.
It took nearly four weeks, but I think I finally got it! The saying “if you don’t use it, you lose it” applies to more than a leg waiting for surgery. If we don’t practice being kind or humble or grateful we forget how to perform those actions. We have to keep “exercising” those action muscles to make them become a habit.
It shouldn’t take a tap from God in the form of a physical injury to remind us to keep exercising those muscles. But then again, maybe God’s taps are meant to show us He’s never quite done with us.
Crap, I must be a very slow learner because I’ve been tapped quite a bit the last few years!!
Sitting here contemplating, I make the promise to not take walking down stairs for granted. Promises are made to reach out, be kinder, more humble and less selfish. Plus recognize that this ACL is such a small struggle compared to a bazillion other people.
Personal note to God: Next time I’d like my tap to be just a text, it’d be a lot less painful.
Grateful for you, God’s tap and more inactive time to
reflect… again!
