I actually started writing this blog about Fear almost two months ago, after my first knee surgery. This was before I was told I needed another one. During all those weeks alone, I experienced a myriad of emotions: sadness, depression, anger, and hopelessness. Fear, I found, was the main ingredient for all of those feelings and I wanted to share my thoughts…
It wasn’t the Fear I feel when someone talks about Socialism or the Fear of walking into a spider web with my face. It was more about the Fear I faced pre-surgery, post-surgery and recovery. The Fear of how much pain would be involved or what the future would look like with my new ACL. The ACL which I have named Doug.
Fears:
The doctor would sneeze while drilling into my knee.
I’d be addicted to the pain meds, which I really needed or I’d never go to the bathroom after taking the pain meds I needed.
An “irrational” Fear of answering, out loud, the voices in my head – because they are very chatty and I was alone a lot of the time.
Also “rational’ Fears of water and/or rugs on the floor and ramps or stairs, because I’m not that great on crutches. The thought of falling made me want to throw up in my mouth, just a little.
One of my favorite Fears was that the Hallmark movies I constantly watched would be the gateway drug to Reality TV….
The fear of being alone in the condo, during the day, because October in California is fire season. If they called for an evacuation, how would I capture the cat and head down the stairs with crutches to a car I couldn’t drive?
A looming Fear I had for months — would I be able to work this Christmas season?
Although I was doing pretty well on the Fear blog, I just couldn’t finish it.
It could have been that I was distracted with a second surgery six weeks after the first. Or it could have been the accompanying drugs for the pain. It may have been that my mind had turned to mush after sitting in the condo for 9 weeks at that point.
But I think I couldn’t finish it because I was overwhelmed with self-pity, accompanied by tears or anger at the drop of a hat. I even tried reading my previous blog on God’s Tapping and gratitude, but nope, my psyche wasn’t having any of it.
My little sister came for a few days after the first surgery and returned for the second surgery and replaced Jeff as my slave for two weeks. My sister-in-law also flew in to keep me from gnawing at the walls pre-diagnosis of the 2nd surgery. But even with the much appreciated visits, I’d slip back into a funk of “poor me” and the question of “When is this going to be over?” became an annoying mantra.
The second surgery required me to go to PT the same day of surgery and every day that week. While I was semi-walking on crutches by the end of that week, I couldn’t lose the creeping crankiness in my head.
I had missed the entire Fall season.
My sister dropped me off at PT and a young girl in the lobby asked if I need help sitting. I told her sitting down was my specialty; getting up, not so much. She started talking about how grateful she was and I could actually see a little light appear in my funk. I told her “Exactly! We woke up today and I’m pretty grateful about that.” She said that she had her share of bad days, but today was a great one. She told me she had gone to church the day before and was reminded how incredible life was. It was just about then her sunshine melted away the fog of self-pity that I had been walking around in for weeks.
I thought she was waiting in the lobby to drive a patient home, but in our conversation I discovered she was actually there for PT! She pulled up her pant leg and said that she was so grateful that she had been given “this.” The “this” happened to be a lower left leg prosthetic. The therapist came to get her and as she turned to smile “good-bye” it took everything I had not to tear up as my heart filled with love. It was an amazing gift from a complete stranger who just radiated gratitude. There wasn’t an ounce of Fear in her or I when she left that room.
I try to remember her daily to help me reset and reevaluate.
On bad days when Fear creeps in, I need to remember all the good I have in my life like: a husband who has done it all, the cards and gifts I’ve received and the calls checking in on me. Also the women who have helped open doors when I’ve visited the ladies room, and the gentleman who warned me of water on the ground so I wouldn’t fall. Plus all the drivers, with their smiles of understanding at the inconvenience I’m causing them because of my incredibly slow gait while crossing the street. Just a few weeks ago I was scheduled to install Christmas décor in a business in Phoenix. This was right after my second surgery and my friends and family pulled together in a blink to complete the job for me, as I lay here in bed.
Looking back at the past three months, I can see God sent me family to help, friends and even strangers to support me and a little angel with a magical left leg to bring it all into perspective – that Fear is only a word and doesn’t need to be a lifestyle.
Thank you sweet angel in the lobby of PT for sharing your glow of gratitude and love with me, to remind me this knee thing is nothing…
Grateful for you and my ice machine,
Sheree